Keep My Distance
by sociality
Summary: With Clare's newfound dilemma, she finds she has little time to make one of two life-altering choices. But with her morals on the line, she's not so sure if she's ready to handle what comes with each decision. Trying to block out all consequences and reality, Clare finds herself falling away from everything she loves to figure out how to help herself. - Set after "Thunderstruck".
1. Hold Onto Yesterday

**For starters, I have no idea how long this will be. The plot will be an adventure for all of us (woooo! … ? … !)**

**Also – I'm guesstimating the Degrassi timeline in this between Sparks Will Fly/Thunderstruck because who the fuck knows what Degrassi's doing there. Okay? Okays. **

**1 last note: I'll try to portray everyone accurately here. Some decisions may or may not be in or out of character. I don't know yet. The characters don't know yet. No one knows. All I know is that season 13 has been OOC as hell so here's my slight attempt at maybe making it a bit (kinda sorta) better. Here we go.**

**-sociality**

* * *

Nothing was ever easy for us. There was always some kind of out that would split us up or damage us in ways that more times than not made the idea of us seem impossible. But for whatever reason – God, the universe, what have you – we always found our way back to each other. And I found that kind of strange. How no many how many times you beat a person down, you always find yourself going back to them.

I could spend hours upon hours recounting for every fight, every argument, every issue and pinpoint every last reason why we hadn't worked out in the past. I could go to and fro with logical explanations to stay as far away from him as humanly possible. For the average person, these reasons would be red flags. But I wasn't average. Neither was he. So for me, none of them mattered.

Sitting on my bed, I recalled the time in the hospital in my sophomore year when I first broke up with him, afraid of his manipulation the issues he was struggling with from his past and pre-diagnosed bipolar disorder. I remembered the second break up and the third. All the reasons, regrets, and pain. But I couldn't feel it anymore. It was like it had just…disappeared.

I looked at the papers in my hand, the words that sang me a congratulations on my early acceptance to Columbia University straight from the admissions office itself. To say that I was elated to have been accepted would be a major understatement. I actually couldn't remember a time that I had felt so much _joy_ and _triumph_. Not since I had gone into remission.

This meant that I could go to New York. I could start over on trying to get ahold of my journalism career. I could be back with him. With Eli. We'd be in the same city again. No more missing each other or troubles of being miles upon miles apart. Everything seemed like it was finally falling right into place. And it had been so long since everything just seemed perfect – it was a feeling that I strongly missed.

Though at the same time I couldn't help but feel a nagging pang of guilt hit me right in the stomach.

It had been three weeks since I had gotten the call from the doctor's office in New York. And since then I had been pacing back and forth, debating in my mind whether the information that had been given to me was correct or not. Of course it had to be, the hospital checked my blood work. And that's more accurate than taking a simple test, right?

It had to be right.

But they had to be wrong.

Why was it that once everything seemed to be going perfectly, something else went wrong? It was like I was being punished for just being an adult – for growing up. Then again, if the test results _were_ true, what I did (while it was "adult") wasn't very mature. And there's a pretty thick line between the two.

I jumped at the sound of my phone buzzing next to me, seeing Alli's name light up across the screen. She'd known for about two weeks. To be honest, I was actually impressed that I had gone a complete week without telling her what was going on. She just assumed my weirdness was Eli related. Which on some level was true. But mostly…kinda not.

It was mostly _me_ related. And how I was supposed to deal with the fact that inside of me was another growing person. It was a person, right? Or maybe it was too early to be considered a person. I was still debating on whether or not I had a clear stance on one side of the issue or the other.

Ali had a firm stance, though.

"To be safe, you have about 49 days from your last menstrual period," she told me. I cringed. "Seven weeks. You have seven weeks to figure out what your opinion is. Well…now you have maybe three."

_Three weeks._

According to Dr. Bhandari, I had three weeks to decide if I thought the fetus was a being and if it was an option or not to, you know, stop it from possibly becoming a being. And in all honesty, I didn't like having to make that kind of a decision.

I remembered back to when Alli thought she was pregnant. I had told her that abortion was always an option. Or at least I had alluded to it and she understood what I meant. But I knew that it would be something that maybe she'd consider. But me? I didn't know. I didn't know my stance on anything lately. It was like I was one jumbled up mess of confusion.

"What are you gonna do, Clare?" was used instead of a nice, warming 'hello'.

I sighed and fell onto my back, instantly wondering if I should be more cautious with how I moved my body. "I don't know, I…I don't think I'm gonna know for a while."

"You don't _have_ a while, you have to make this decision before it's too late. Because once it's too late – "

"Once it's too late, it's dangerous. I _know_." I rubbed my temples with the hand that wasn't holding the phone to my ear. "But I can't make this decision in a few days, Alli, I need more time. I just…I don't know."

"Are you gonna tell Drew? Or is that on the backburner, too?"

I paused, catching my breath. Of course I had considered the fact that I'd have to tell Drew as well. I mean, there wasn't really a possibility of the baby being Eli's considering I wasn't that far along and it had been a while since Eli and I had…been together. And the fact that it was Drew's just made all the regret push back up to my brain.

If I had the baby, I'd have to tell Drew. Which meant telling Eli that I had _sex_ with Drew. Which would mean that he'd hate me and that I couldn't go to Columbia and my life would pretty much suck. This made the idea of an abortion sound a little sweeter but at the same time…how could I?

"Just remember that no matter what you decide, I've got your back."

"Thanks," I whispered. "I just want this all to go away so I can go to New York this summer and be happy. I just want things to be as close to normal as possible."

"They can be," she concluded. "It could be perfect, just like you want it. You just have to make sure you can live with that perfection. You know my opinion but in this? You need to have your own."

I stared at my phone after hanging up. I knew I had to make this decision on my own. It was my body and it would be my future so I had to decide what would be the best for me. But I couldn't help but want to call Eli. Once upon a time he had been my go-to person for advice. For help. But I couldn't. Not with this.

Scrolling through my contacts, I paused. _Adam_. Why I hadn't erased his number yet, I was unsure. Maybe because part of me was still holding out some sliver of delusion that last summer had never happened. That he was still there. And god, could I ever need him there. Where Alli ran on emotions a lot of the time and where Eli lacked good judgment in some areas, Adam always had a solid head on his shoulders. I could go to him with anything and know that what I was hearing was sensible and truthful.

I ran my hands down my face and let out a long, choking sigh. I hadn't realized how close to absolute tears I was in that moment. I hadn't realized how exhausted I was. Sure, physically. But also emotionally. The past few months were taking their toll with everything that had happened. From the cancer to Adam to Eli and Drew and all the in-betweens…

All I wanted was a break. A long, long break. I wished I could just close my eyes and pretend like none of it was happening. That none of the past had happened. In my mind, just for one moment, I wanted my best friend back. I wanted Eli back. I wanted to take back what I had done with Drew. I just wanted everything to settle.

So I closed my eyes, ignored the tears, and I pretended. I pretended until the tears started turning into hiccups. Until the hiccups turned into headaches. Until the headaches turned into dizziness and then eventually sleep. In my sleep, none of this was happening. In my sleep I could escape if only for a few minutes. That's all I wanted. Just a few minutes.


	2. Truth Be Told

**First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who are taking the time to read this story and for those who are taking the time to review. It really makes my day to see that you guys like the story and your kind words are just the bestttttt. So without further adieu, I give to you the second chapter! Thanks for all the support! I really do appreciate it :)**

**-sociality**

* * *

When I was six I had this doll. Well really, I had a whole plethora of dolls. But this one was my favorite. But this doll was different. She wasn't _just _a doll. She was an American Girl Doll – you know the ones with the styles, names, books, and backstories. I had Samantha. She had light skin, long dark hair, and when I got her, it was Christmastime so she wore a little red, satin dress with white ribbons and white stockings.

I took her everywhere with me. To the grocery store, to the dentist, on random car rides with my parents. Everywhere. I did everything in my power to protect Samantha. I wouldn't let her get muddy or dirty. Her hair was always perfectly brushed, not a strand out of place. And I made sure she had a nice clean outfit every week (she didn't have too many outfits so I figured once a week was reasonable).

Sometimes Samantha would get sick so I'd stick her in my bed and I'd pull the covers up, making sure that she could get warm and that she could get better. There was always a glass of water next to her if she was thirsty and I made sure any owies she got were all bandaged and perfect. In my mind, Samantha was like my own little child.

Lots of girls growing up do that with their dolls, I later found out. "It's a woman's intuition," my mother told me. Pretending to take care of their "child" just as their own mother took care of them. And I guess it made sense. So inside of me, born in me, was this natural instinct to nurture. It was biological.

So as soon as I figured out that this wasn't some game – that this wasn't some doll that wouldn't get hurt when something happened – I became a little more cautious. Of course looking where I was going was on the top of my list. The last thing I needed was more stitches from running into poles. Never mind that that was just plain embarrassing. My motherly instinct kinda started kicking in. Or at least that's what I told Alli and Jenna. But Alli just laughed.

"Maybe it's a sign," I told them, staring down at my coffee cup. Her, Jenna, and I had met at The Dot before school like we sometimes did when we needed to talk before facing the day. "Maybe it means that I should keep the baby – that I want to do this."

Alli rolled her eyes a bit, trying not to seem totally against the idea. "Clare, as much as I'd love to see a mini you running around, I think you need to go about this in a more logical way. I mean, you're basing your assumption off of what you think is 'motherly intuition'. You're not a mother, Clare, you can't think that."

There had to be what seemed like a tad bit of hurt or displeasure in my glance because immediately the girl's face softened and she smiled a little. "Look, I'm not saying to not be careful. Because you are…you know. And you should be careful. But if you don't know what you want yet, don't get attached because you're being careful. If you want to get attached, do it because of the right reasons. Does that make sense?"

I nodded. "You're right. It's like being a journalist. Before you draw to conclusions, you need to find the cold, hard facts. Then you base your report off of your findings and you tell the truth. All I have to do is gather all the information I can, in this situation all the pros and cons, and make a decision off of those things instead of just feelings."

"Um…" Alli interjected, an eyebrow raising in some form of confusion. "Not exactly what I meant but if that's what's going to help you make a logical decision then I guess you should go with it."

The two of us laughed and I tried my best to finish the coffee I had in front of me. But for whatever reason, it just didn't seem as good as it sounded when I had first ordered it. It was an odd strategy but I found that whenever I looked at things from some sort of journalistic perspective, it somehow helped. That's how I originally knew that journalism was the career path I wanted to follow. That's just how I figured a lot of problems out – using the same kind of system.

But this didn't seem like it would be that simple. As much as I wanted to try and use logic, nothing seemed to flow like it normally did. I wished that the decision was simple. That it was black and white. But it didn't look like it was going to be going that way at all. I had to really think about this. I needed more than just a few more weeks.

I looked up to Jenna who hadn't said a word since our previous conversation about how none of us were looking forward to our final exams that were approaching in just a few short weeks. I knew that the topic was touchy for her as well considering that she _had_ a baby. And that he was taken from her because of problems between her and K.C.. I wasn't even sure if talking about thinking of multiple options was an okay topic around her considering that she was a mom still in some sort of way.

The girl met my gaze and gave me a faint smile. She looked like she was trying to process the right thing to say, which I really did appreciate. Jenna opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but paused and took a sip of her drink instead. We all sat in silence for a few moments before she finally did speak up.

"I understand the feeling of wanting to have freedom again," she said. "And I'm glad that you're taking in your options now while it's still early. I ignored it until it was way too late."

"Do you think you would have done something if it was safe?"

I realized then that I had never spoken with Jenna about her pregnancy or about the baby at all. I was never interested in the matter considering what her relationship with K.C. resulted from. When it was all taking place, there was still a part of me that was bitter about everything that had taken place. We weren't on speaking terms yet and it wasn't until the next year that we were. But even then I didn't say anything about it. Neither did she. Not to me, anyway.

"I considered it," she admitted. "I mean, K.C. was mainly the one who wanted me to. He expected me to. That fact alone irritated me. I wanted us to be solid on the whole thing but ultimately he left. It stressed him out."

I raised an eyebrow, suspicious to where she was going with the conversation. What I thought would be simple advice was quickly turning into another decision I didn't want to make or think about.

"So what are you saying?" I asked, a little too excessively.

"I'm saying that maybe you should talk to Drew. I get that it's your body and your decision and bringing the topic up could bring up a fight or awkwardness but maybe it would help you. That way it won't seem like you're doing this on your own."

Jenna sighed and studied my gaze, a new sense of sincerity in her eyes that I had never recognized from her before that moment.

"There's nothing worse than going through this and making these decision alone."

I let her words sink in. I wasn't alone. I had them. Right? I had my friends so that was all that I needed. I couldn't involve Drew, he'd done enough. I mean, yeah it was my fault I was in the predicament I was in but it takes two to tango and he was the other half of that. Which would also make the potential baby half his.

I almost wanted to shutter at the thought. I never considered having a family with anyone other than with Eli before. And that was way off in the future after graduating from university. Even then we never stepped close to that conversation at all.

But Drew was sensitive. At least he was lately. And he was with Becky as of the last few weeks. Me bringing up the baby would seem like some desperate attempt at me taking him back from her. Not that I ever had him in the first place. Did I? No. I tried my best to make sure that wasn't ever a thing. Well obviously not too hard.

Still, I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't.

"I'll think about it," was all that I said. I knew deep in my mind that I wouldn't think too much of it. I really was set on the decision of avoiding Drew with the best of my ability. Which would be hard to do with student council but I just had to be careful with it. I had to try not to think about it. At least not around him. Otherwise I knew I'd screw it up. I'd been doing a lot of that lately.

...

It wasn't until fourth period that I realized I had forgotten my phone at home. Usually this wasn't too much of an issue, but since everything that had happened, I couldn't concentrate in study hall and I was hoping for a distraction. The only thing on my mind was my condition, what Alli kept repeating to me, what Jenna had said at The Dot. What Eli would say if he knew. What Drew would do. I shook my head, there was too much pressure.

I tried to focus, to study for my exams that were approaching in just a few short weeks but I couldn't. I read the same sentences over and over again without absorbing a word. My mind was practically a mess and every little thing slowly began to irritate me more and more. It was a relief when the final bell rang and I could go home, putting off any homework I had until I could just get a break.

Once in my room I checked my phone, seeing that I had five missed messages. Two were from Alli. I'd talk to her more later. The other three were from Eli. I was only a little surprised by this. We had been talking a little bit since I'd been back from New York, but nothing drastic. I wondered what was so important that he would keep texting.

_10:23 Hey, skype after classes?  
12:41 Edwards?_

_2:20 You okay?_

My teeth clenched slightly, worried that I had somehow worried him. It was a cycle with us, that way. If I had done something to make him worry, I would worry that he was worried. I knew how Eli got when he was agitated and it wasn't always a good outcome. I could almost see him pacing back and forth in his dorm room or checking his phone in class every ten minutes.

_3:05 Sorry, I left my phone at home. Skype is on._

I had slight animosity of seeing him face-to-face (well, kind of) since we hadn't seen each other since New York. Before everything turned itself over on me. That first morning when I got back, everything seemed so perfect. It all seemed like for once everything was falling into place. But of course that couldn't happen. It wouldn't happen ever. I was beginning to wonder what else could go wrong between that point and finally getting to Columbia.

I opened my laptop after setting my phone down and signed onto Skype. The last time I Skyped Eli was when we were dating. So doing this now I knew would be a little weird. Just a little. I wondered what was so important that he couldn't simply tell me over the phone. But then again, nothing was done simply with Eli. Everything had to be extravagant. Which in some cases was a good thing. Other times, not so much.

It only took a few minutes for Eli to pop online and hit the call button. Within seconds after that, my computer was making that slightly annoying buzzing sound and I pressed accept. Eli's face flickered onto my screen and I could see the boy smiling brightly as we both appeared digitally before each other.

"Hey, you," he greeted. I smiled and gave a pretty lame wave back to him.

"Hey. What's going on that you needed to Skype?"

Eli shrugged and played with the bracelet on his wrist for a moment before sighing contently. "I wanted to see your beautiful face. That's okay, right?"

I scoffed and shook my head. As much as I liked the compliment, part of me cringed internally. I felt conflicted and honestly fairly ashamed considering everything else that was going on that Eli had absolutely no idea about. When we were in New York, Eli asked how my boyfriend was doing and I told him that Drew and I had never made it that far. I never told him that we got _far_, just not wordly official. Neither had Eli and Lenore. Knowing that both of us were without someone else gave us each a spark of hope inside but once I got that phone call back home, that spark felt like it'd had a bucket of water dumped on it.

I wondered if I should just tell him. Get it all out on the table and just deal with it all. If Eli and I were really going to go through with all of this, then he had to know the truth, right? Part of the deal in our last relationship was that we'd tell each other everything. That communication was key. Of course it didn't completely work one hundred percent of the time (hence him and Lenore) but that was still part of a healthy relationship. Especially if we were trying to start over again.

Then on the other hand, if I was going to make the choice of terminating the pregnancy, then why would Eli have to know? It wouldn't make a difference. He had no part in the matter at all. So he would have no say in it and it would all be over. Out of sight, out of mind. Too bad that didn't work for guilt. The only cure for guilt was honesty. And I think forgiveness.

I took a deep breath and stared at Eli. It was only fair if he knew, right? And I would deserve whatever anger he lashed out at me, if anger was the emotion he'd express the most. I wasn't exactly honest with him about what transpired between Drew and I. Maybe it was only fair to him if I did say something.

"Eli…" The boy raised an eyebrow, looking concerned and patiently waited for me to make up my mind. Sure he didn't know about the battle in my head at the moment, but the boy knew me well. Too well. "I need to talk to you about something."

Eli adjusted his position. His face changed from happy to worried within seconds. I felt my nerves tighten. This was it. Now or never. Time for the truth. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, bracing myself for whatever reaction he'd throw my way.

"I think we should take things slow."

I blinked. What? _That_ is what came out of my mouth? I think we should take things slow?

Eli kept quiet and waited for me to continue. I waited too, trying to figure out what the heck I was saying.

"I mean…well the problem was distance, right? And you said that if we are both in New York then it might be easier. So…then we should hold off all kinds of…feelings things until then."

Eli laughed a little and relaxed his body. He seemed a lot less tense than he was when I first told him we needed to talk. Though I wasn't at all. My brain was still racing for words.

"Hold off all 'feelings things'?" he questioned.

I merely nodded and picked at my nails, nervously. "Yeah. Feelings things. Like, like flirting. Telling each other anything that would allude to having feelings for each other. So. Just friends. Just only friends talk."

I could tell he was holding back more laughter and I could feel my face get hot. Maybe my little outburst was a good idea? Taking things slow would give me more time to consider if telling him was really a good idea or not. It would buy me more time to figure out what I'm doing before I go off telling people what's going on. Yeah. This was a good idea. Good job, Edwards.

"Well…okay," he finally said. I just stared, not knowing what to do or what to say. I was still in shock of my own stupidity. "But you do look beautiful."

As much as I tried, I couldn't hold back the laugh that escaped my lips at his resistance to the new rule. "Eli."

"What? That was completely mutual. One friend telling another friend that she's pretty. And that her hair looks nice. And-"

"_Eli_," I interrupted, still laughing at his lack of restraint. It's not that I didn't like the compliments. Because believe me, I was all for them. It just…wasn't the right time. We needed more time to just be before we could _be_.

Eli rose his hands up to his sides in surrender. "Okay sorry, it's out of my system, I promise."

"It'll be better once I'm in New York."

He smiled and looked down briefly before meeting my eyes again. "Things will finally be perfect."

I swallowed and forced a smile onto my face before saying goodbye and signing off. Perfect. Right. As perfect as it ever will be. That's definitely when I knew. If I went through with the whole thing, I wouldn't have Eli. I wouldn't have Columbia. I'd be known as that girl who had a baby her senior year. Getting a job would be difficult and I didn't know what would come of my journalism career. I didn't know what Drew would say or think. But I knew for sure that Becky would probably do all that was in her power to destroy me. I didn't want to break them up. I didn't want more people mad at me. I didn't want to defer Columbia and I wanted Eli.

If things were to really be perfect…I'd have to go through with the abortion.


End file.
